Brokeback has left an haunting effect on me. As I am reaching closer toward my 30th birthday, I deeply regret that I have wasted half my life trying to come to terms with my problem. I’m not going to waste any more. Life’s just too short. I will find love and happiness.

It may have seemed obvious to some of you. The question may have crossed your mind. I’ve been always afraid of you finding out. I have contemplated to great lengths on what to say and how to say it should the moment arise. Well the fact is that I don’t really know. I know that some of you may never understand or accept me. The best that I can ask of you is to let me be.

Here’s to new beginnings… Cheers, mate.

Here’s an excerpt from the short story (View the movie clip at youTube):

Jack: Listen. I’m thinkin, tell you what, if you and me had a little ranch together, little cow-and-calf operation, your horses, it’d be some sweet life…I got it figured, got this plan Ennis, how we can do it, you and me…

Ennis: It ain’t goin a be that way. We can’t. I’m stuck with what I got, caught in my own loop. Can’t get out of it. Jack, I don’t want a be like them guys you see around sometimes. And I don’t want a be dead. There was these two old guys ranched together down home, Earl and Rich—Dad would pass a remark when he seen them. They was a joke even though they was pretty tough old birds. I was what, nine years old, and they found Earl dead in a irrigation ditch. They’d took a tire iron to him, spurred him up, drug him around by his dick until it pulled off, just bloody pulp. What the tire iron done looked like pieces a burned tomatoes all over him, nose tore down from skiddin on gravel.

Jack: You seen that?

Ennis: Dad made sure I seen it. Took me to see it. Me and K.E. Dad laughed about it. Hell, for all I know he done the job.

Thinking about that movie saddens me. I’m a sure glad I ain’t livin’ in Wyomin. Hell, they’ll look at me funny cause I ain’t white. Folks gotta stop fearing and hating those they don’t understand. It’s unfortunate that those who needs to watch this movie, won’t even consider. My homophobic friends has gotta watch this movie. Been hanging around with them so much that some of their homophobia brushed off on me. I gotta act a certain way. I gotta like certain things. If I stray from the norm, then I’m wrong? I’m tried of it. I’ve done no wrong…

The small side streets leading to Colorado were barracaded. There was a strong presence of officers. Traffic down the boulevard slowed to a glacial pace. The sidewalks were packed with party-goers and people in their sleeping bags and tents. I wonder if they had to pay a fee to reserve a space on the sidewalk. I regretted not bringing my camera. What a sight. Folks were trying to keep warm next to little bonfires, hither and thither.

Yesterday, I went to Quy’s sister’s Christmas Eve party. His sisters know how to have a great time. They always have great food such as lobsters and sushi. There were no lobsters yesterday, just lots of shrimp and raw oysters. I tried one of the oysters. I was told to put alot of Tabasco sauce to kill the flavor. It was pretty interesting. The texture was very soft, almost gelatinous. I got a little sick from it. I left my car keys at party and ended up staying overnight at Quy’s house. I really like his house, they had in-door heating. Sure beats my drafty freezing cold house.

The next morning, the crew stopped by and exchanged presents. Sigh. I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet. Now it’s too late. I guess I’ll get them gifts a few days after Christmas. I hope they don’t mind.

We later went to Pasadena and watched Cold Mountain. The movie wasn’t memorable. Quy said that all he got out of the movie was Come back to me. I agree. I don’t understand how it ended up with so much nominations.

This year wasn’t as festive as the previous years. We didn’t have any holiday decorations, nor a Christmas tree. It just didn’t felt like Christmas.

On Friday, I went to potluck/party for the High-Tech Center staff at Diana’s house. There wasn’t as much people as last year’s party. We brought some cobblers and ice cream. The food was great. We had lasagna, vegetarian chicken and shrimp (I figure Quyen aka “Ghandi” brought them just to be different), egg rolls, and a variety of foods. There was so much food, we only ate a third of it.

After dinner, we played a gift exchange game. Each person who brought a wrapped gift was given a random number. We went in numeric order. The first person selects an gift and opens it. The next person can choose to grab the first person’s gift or select an unopened gift. If the second person takes the first person’s gift, then the first person needs to select an unopened gift. It gets more interesting with the third and subsequent persons. The third person can chose to grab one of the opened gifts or take his chances with an unopened gift. A gift can only be taken away three times. The game continues until everyone has a gift.

I end up with novelty bag containing a CD case, lotion and various other trinkets. I’ll keep the CD case and give the rest to my sister and my mom. Quy snatched the Whale Rider DVD. Lucky guy. After the gift exchange, we ended up watching the DVD.

I spent most of my winter break going to the movies. The Return of the King was specular. I ended up watching it a few times. The special effects were simply amazing. I loved how they envisioned Minas Tirith. The Last Samurai was also a good movie. I liked how they portrayed the Buddhist traditions and values. The village scenery was so peaceful and beatiful. Bad Santa was a bad movie, I didn’t find it funny.

We decided to travel up the coast and have a barbecue at the beach. We met up at PCC and decided to take one car since only 6 were going. So we took my car and thus began our journey.

It was relatively calm and normal until we reached Santa Barbara where we heard a loud bang. The front right tire ripped and popped! It, unfortunately, dented on the front passenger door. Oh well, at least no one got hurt. We pulled over to the gravel embankment and tried to replace the tire. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the proper jack. Along came a really nice officer and he called for tow-truck. The tow-truck didn’t arrived until over 45 minutes later. Better late than never.

After an hour, we resumed our way. Six hours since we began our journey and after what seemed to be a million “Are we there yet” questions, we reached Cambria beach; tired and most definitely hungry. The heavy wind slightly hampered our barbecue. Our plates and utensils kept flying away. But it was a good barbecue and the view was speculator.

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We boarded the train in the early afternoon and headed for Pasadena. There were relatively few people waiting at our local station, thus boarding was easy. Unfortunately, that was not the case at Pasadena when we were heading home. The station at Sierra Madre Villa was so jam packed that folks were waiting in line for over an hour. Thankfully, the MTA offered free buses that traveled to all the stations. We decided to ride the bus for our journey home.

Later in the day, Quy stopped by and wanted to try out the rail. We decided to call up Ernesto and see if he wants to ride the rail. Well, it turns out that he’s already at Pasadena, having taken the rail. So we decided to meet him there. We drove to Pasadena because it was already 5 pm and we heard that they were ending early and that the last train was at 6 pm.

When we got to Pasadena, we asked around and it turns out that they were running the trains until 1 am. So we parked our car by the station and took the rail with Ernesto and his family back to his house. After a brief dinner, we then decided to take it out to Old Town Pasadena. On the way there, we bumped into Naruki on the train and he decided to join us. Later at the bookstore, we bumped into Orng and Maisie. They were taking Maisie’s parents out to dinner. Wow, it’s a small world after all. What were the odds?

Making a decision was never easy for me. I just don’t know what to do with my life. I’m a loser. I’m 26 and still haven’t completed school. Most of my friends seem to have their lives in order. Some are married, and others with a kid or two. Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I get my life in order? When can I begin to live my life?

I will dedicate and sacrifice my everything for just a second’s worth of how my story’s ending. And I wish I could know the directions that I take and all the choices that I make won’t end up all for nothing.

Show me what it’s for. Make me understand it. I’ve been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer. Is there something more than what i’ve been handed? I’ve been crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.

Help me carry on. Assure me it’s ok to use my heart and not my eyes to navigate the darkness. Will the ending be ever coming suddenly? Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?